Content

At the moment I am very content with my life, the only thing id like to happen is getting a job, one that didnt take away the time from Persephone. She is quite a bit more stressed though. Stress just breeds more stress and its not healthy. I try to make everything as easy as i can for her, i just cant for most things.

Persephone.

A little while ago, Persephone and I hit a rough patch, but Ive been really really thinking about it, and I realized that no one else could ever replace her for me. I love her so so so much, and nothing can change that, the "serious problems" we had evaporated, its over, but she still does not notice. I do not blame her, and im sorry for causing part of it...maybe she will take notice soon.
P.S. I have a lizard

Forgetting

Lately, i have noticed how little of my life i remember. I remember all the lessons i learned, everything i was taught...but i dont remember experiences much. Everything before grade Nine was a blur, progressively getting better. And i mean a blur, i can hardly remember anything, sometimes something will remind me of something that happened, and ill remember a part of it, but even that memory catches me off guard. Its so vague, so distant, that those memories feel like clips from a movie, my imagination, something about someone else i read. My childhood memories feel like someone elses, and i wonder if it has something to do with the wolf, waking. Sometimes, memory loss like that could be caused by trauma, and i was bullied constantly since grade five, but thats not nearly traumatic enough, isnt it? So what, i was depressed, those memories could've been suppressed subconsciously.
 I still dont know about it though, i dont understand it really, and it confuses me. I know most of the character building ive undergone to become who i am today has mostly happened in highschool around.
Even so, it feels like the childhood me was a far different person, and thinking about it, many things ive been told from my siblings either do not sound like me at all, i dont remember at all or are just.....I know wasnt the same me as now. I was pathetic, weak, naive and stupid, as many children are, but it too different of a way to really turn into me now. I just cant make the connection, and still i remember little. Every once in a while, something resurfaces, but even so, i dont care much about it.
All the matters to me is that i learn from the past, and prepare for the future today. My present and my future is Persephone and id have no other way.

Anyways, just another thought, dunno who is reading any of this, but see ya.

Deserved

I love Persephone so much, shes amazing, i could not ask for more.
But i cant help but think sometimes, i cant help but feel that i do not deserve her. I feel like she should do better..
I want to take her away from everything she cant escape that bugs her, but what if im not the one to do it?
Is it really my right, my fate to be with her. I cant shake this feeling, this feeling of loss, that im going to lose her. Its more likely that i know that im not going to be her final companion, i will not be the last man she loves, this is inevitable, its a slim chance i am wrong. But still, i will not let that bring me down, make me bitter, i will not let any of these thoughts and feelings make them come true.
I still cant help it though, i guess its fair, but I feel so comfortable around her, which im sure lets me show parts of my personality better left in the darkness, But i do not feel comfortable around any of her family.
Her mum feels.....hollow, an empty image of what once she was. Her father is unpredictable, he puts me on edge, and the wolf....i can feel him growl when i am near him, when he does some things. I have no doubt that I may not be able to keep the wolf in reign forever around him. And her grandfather....I sense hatred, spite of his age, envy of our youth. Thats why he stares, im certain of it.

Anyways, I have little more to say, those thoughts were just on my mind.
And persephone, you are probably the only one who reads this, so, simply put, I love you so much. I know no other way of putting it, but i remember my promise. Ill never let you go

strange feelings

Its odd, every once in a while, i will be overwhelmed with a feeling, a very strange feeling.
This feeling makes me feel odd, and im not sure where it is from, because it does not feel natural.
It makes me feel that i am not supposed to be happy, I am not supposed to be in love. It feels like i am supposed to be alone, and miserable. It seems that that is my destiny. For those who know me, they know that i care little for "destiny". I tend to ignore it and do what im not supposed to. Either way, its an odd feeling, im not going to let it get in the way of my happiness, but its still an odd feeling. I cant help but wonder what, or where its from.
anyways, thats all ive got to talk about.

meeting

Hahahahaha, i just remembered one of the first things i ever said to Persephone when i met her for the first time at the party. We had been chatting for a bit, and i was in a good mood, and decided the best way to ask the question i was thinking was to just ask it.

"So, i dont feel like thinking of something clever so im going to ask either the worst or best question possible" (me)

"okay, shoot" (her)

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

after a short burst of laughter that stopped her from doing simple things like breathing, or standing up straight she replied with
"No, i do not"

"Oh good, that makes things much easier.......... It wouldve been more difficult otherwise......not impossible, just more difficult"

which brought up another burst of laughter from pretty much everyone listening. I was hardly even paying attention to what i was saying at the time.

Fun times, that night was awesome for many reasons, mostly Persephone though.

I dont really know why i thought of that, its better then the normal depressing crap i say at midnight.

Persephone

Hmmm.......
So, i decided to spend a half-hour reading through Persephone's previous posts on her blog, all of them.
I connect with her words well, as at the same time she was in a depression, so was I. While I forced myself out of it, it seems i helped her out of her own. Thinking deeply about this as i do, i think i realize something, i have another vantage point upon her mind, upon her past. I realized that Persephone must be very grateful for my sudden appearance in her life, much more so then i thought before. Correct me if im wrong mind you, but i now see through her eyes better, why she holds me at such high esteem, and its much the same way, and for the same reason as it is for me.

This puts me in a solemn mood, i realize why some of the things i do bugs her as it does, like put myself down. I feel like i should have fully realized this earlier. All the while, i wish i could hold her closer to me at this moment, just squeeze her. I am thankful for her as well, for her giving me this chance, she is another chance for me to effect her life, and maybe others for the better, leave my mark perhaps, but i do not intend to leave.

Though i am being a fool, i feel like i am disappointing Persephone, if only very slightly, i can still feel it, see it. I have asked her to show her jealousy, so i may not make her jealous anymore, i also asked about the things that make her jealous. The reason being is that i was getting jealous of certain things, and it was annoying her. So, whether she knows this by now or not, i wish to work on both of our flaws at the same time. I will not allow myself to fail her, Not again, i will not give her reason to leave.

It has been two months since we met, and nearly two months until we started going out. Yet it seems the lustre of this new relationship is already growing a little duller, i dont like it. I like how close Her and i still are, physically, we both crave touch, so we are both glued together, inseparable. But, it always filled me with joy when she said something about me in her blog, it was proof that i did something right, and i did it well enough to be exceptional. Lately, there has been very very little about me, which is okay, considering the circumstances, but then the first thing she said, was about something i did that annoyed her. I am failing already, i cannot do something exceptional for her, instead, i am doing the opposite.
 .....That, I cannot let linger, i will deal with this immediately.

The last thing she said to me tonight was
"Thank you"
"Youre welcome......but for what"
"Everything"

I didnt quiet know what that meant until i read her blog, until i let my mind clear, my fear of gaining an ego and becoming arrogant that blinds me still, slip away for the time being; and i realized, I do everything i can for her, hoping it would be enough, and it turns out everything i do, is more then everything she needs. I realized she needs me, and needed me as much as i needed her....

Good night...