I do not fear many things, not as another might consider fear. But that was born because i had nothing to lose, and the only thing that mattered to me was what i had, who i had. Part of what put me in the depression, is i didnt have either. But now i do, I have Persephone and everything is getting better besides one thing, now i have one fear....and that is losing her.
This is probably residue of my past relationship and deep insecurity from constant putdowns throughout my life, didnt realize it still effected me until Persephone. But I get jealous, or envious fairly easily about certain things, and it bugs her, alot, and i can tell. But let me clear the air while its on my mind. I get jealous because all my life ive been shown up, or brought down by others, and eventually, there was nothing to bring me back up until i met Persephone, and the devils that came before her. Being cheated on is not fun, especially not fun when its with two of your friends....and your 25 year old brother, then being blamed for the situation. I dont want to lose her, I dont want someone else coming along and being better for her then me, I dont want the same thing to happen again. More recently then not, im taking confidence that im pretty awesome, and that her and I are pretty perfect together, i can actually say that now that no one is left to shoot me out of the sky. That is born from the rising confidence and self esteem that i get from her, im not kidding when i say she is what makes me amazing, if i truly am. She brings out my happiness and confidence, without her, they would not show very often at all. Im truly afraid that someone else is going to come along this early in our relationship and see just how perfect she really is and try to take her away, Ill fight as hard as i can, and walk through hell and heaven to keep her at my side, but i dont want that to happen, i dont want that temptation for someone else, thats how it all started the last time. I dont want someone to come along that does something she likes that i cannot, and make her decide she does not like how i cannot do something like that.
Now, i know that is all stupid, it is all very pointless because i trust Persephone more then enough to know that, that will not happen. But my heart wont take the chance, it leaps every time there is a possibility and i cannot control it, although im gaining control very quickly. But, she does not like the jealousy, the slight possessiveness, and although she agrees with me that jealousy in moderation can be a good thing because it proves that the other is afraid to lose you, it still annoys her. Nor does she like my lack of self gratitude as one might call it, yet the way my life has played out, ive been forced to be humble, too humble apparently. That is dwindling with her aid but i cannot help but be annoyed that it bugs her, not at her annoyance, but at my failure.
She deserves to have someone that will treat her perfectly, someone that is perfect for her. These two things about myself can change, but for now, they are there, and I have failed to give her what she totally deserves. Now, I understand that im being way too hard on myself. But i cannot help but fear it, knowing the way my life has always played out, those flaws will lead to the realization of my worst nightmare.
I dunno, Im strange, Persephone is perfect, but i also dont know how to complain. I guess it would help if she showed she cares in the same way i do, that she fears losing me just as much as i fear losing her. If she showed she was a little jealous at times, or if she showed concern for opportunities that if i was someone else, i could take. Its out of concern that i ask her to be careful when she goes out where i cannot keep an eye on her, or someone that i know and trust will keep an eye on her, i do not want her to get hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, but that is not jealousy. There is also times when she mentions someone that would not compete with me for her, could not, and will not, yet i must compare myself to them in the worst of ways. It is infuriating not only for her, but for me as well.
I know she is going to read this, And i must ask her if she realizes how hard this is for me to deal with? I am fighting a demon within myself, winning, but only because she helps immensely. Though it tries her patience, I ask her to never stop helping me, or i will surely fail as she is my only source of hope in this world anymore, yet it gives me enough strength that i need nothing else.
Beyond me, there are many other things worrying me at the moment. For one, Persephone's idiot doctor, and how Persephone cannot tell the doctor anything. The only reason why it worries me is because it is a problem that causes her pain and worry, stress and anxiety. And i cannot do anything to help at all, i have no idea what shes going through and it puts me in a clueless position. At that point i envy anyone who can do what i cannot, and cheer her up in those circumstances, because as her boyfriend, as the one she loves and who loves her back, i should always be able to do something for her when she needs it, if i cannot do that, then i feel useless, unneeded, and at times, unwanted, though that may not be the case. Second, my dumb ass friends are making mistakes upon mistakes (not just you Atlas) and many of them are leaving me. Third, I feel like i have no life beyond Persephone, which isnt bad when i get to see her often, but when im not, i feel useless and alone, unwanted. Even my warhammer that i do when i have nothing else is bad and inexperienced. Fourth, school worries me, though at the moment nothing is wrong.
I guess all of my worries and insecurities come up from how my social life went the entire time i was growing up, harsh to be frank, but not as bad as it couldve been, then again, not as good as most. But I have dreamed of becoming something extraordinary, something people will look up to, even if only slightly. I have dreamed of becoming respected by people, which is something i rarely get. I have dreamed of being remembered for something important, even if only to few. I have always wanted to make something of myself. This is difficult considering that i have no talents really, i have no traits really that stand out as being something extraordinary. As well as my chosen career that makes the most sense to me, is Carpentry, hardly something to be remembered for. I have never been wanted, or respected, never been needed or chosen first, never been noticed or complimented, Until now with Persephone of course. But i feel that if i fell off the planet now, or i was never born, my disappearance would not effect many people, besides Persephone, in fact, some may benefit from it.
That is all stupidity though. I am here and thats what matters, i have someone who loves me and who i love back with all my heart. I will do everything i can to make sure it stays that way, for the rest of our lives and beyond, if possible....then again, even if it wasnt, not like thats stopped me before.
But i cant help but search, what is my talent? What is my natural skill? Everyone has something. Persephone her swimming among others, Atlas just sports in general, the list goes on, but what do I have? What can i do that makes me stand out? Maybe with Persephone's help i will find something, because it is important to me i do.
But know this, Persephone, I fear nothing more then losing you, my dreams every night are nightmares of that. That is why i cant stand to lose you, to let there be a chance to lose you like last time. And i doubt myself because i always see others doing something well, something they can do exceptionally, yet i have nothing to match it. Pride is injured every time, pride that should not exist, and i have no idea where it is from. But at the same time, i know im better then many for what i can do, what i have done, though that makes me sound arrogant, its sometimes true. But know this as well, now that you have helped boost my spirits, anyone that tries to take me down will fail, im tired of people like that. These annoyances are one in the same problem, but they will soon disappear, Just dont leave if they momentarily resurface. I am close to getting used to you, and learning to trust your word when you encourage me, i will always be a little jealous, that is my nature, but it is out of fear, and love.
I hope my honesty means something..
Monday, 9 April 2012
Friday, 30 March 2012
Hatred
Fun fucking times at home, i just kinda realized how dysfunctional my family actually is. Fucking hate my step dad, but i cant really stand up to him or talk back or hes going to fucking knock out my teeth and break my nose, I said one thing when he was being an asshole and he came so fucking close today, he wanted to hit me, i could see it in his eyes, and i dont fucking know why.
Anyways, i want to get off that subject, ill push it to the back of my mind and ignore it, because i can actually do that...
I thought of this in school, thought of Persephone
"I could drink every drop of water in every ocean, every lake, every river, yet my thirst for you would never be quenched. I need you more then then the air around me and the ground under my feet. You are my reason for being, what keeps me sweet"
Anyways, im sick of my house, isnt even a fucking home, wish i could leave. I dont belong here anymore then i belong anywhere else. Ill try to find somewhere else to stay tonight....
Anyways, i want to get off that subject, ill push it to the back of my mind and ignore it, because i can actually do that...
I thought of this in school, thought of Persephone
"I could drink every drop of water in every ocean, every lake, every river, yet my thirst for you would never be quenched. I need you more then then the air around me and the ground under my feet. You are my reason for being, what keeps me sweet"
Anyways, im sick of my house, isnt even a fucking home, wish i could leave. I dont belong here anymore then i belong anywhere else. Ill try to find somewhere else to stay tonight....
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Sudden Burst
Im in a great mood lately, and at the same time not. Everything seemed to start going right, everything! as soon as Persephone showed up, I am just glad i had the confidence that one night to show her the real me, not the wolf inside. Only problem is, the same things are going wrong as before, i just stopped giving a shit, but all i can concentrate on is keeping Persephone happy, trying to eliminate all of her problems, Hers as well as Atlas's. I dont like this feeling though....of not being able to do anything in certain situations, at least im not an idiot by any means and do something i think will help, but really wont. Every family has their problems, everybody has their quirks and thoughts.
Besides that though, ive been craving adventure, ive been needing to go mountain biking, but first, i need a decent bike. I miss being able to do fun things, go out side and ride around in the woods, be with nature while pushing yourself to do new things, everytime i go, i progress a little more. I still need a fucking bike though, its more then a little annoying how my parents are expecting me to pay for everything like that, a bike, food, games, out door activity stuff, a car, driving classes. Like fuck, what the hell do they expect of me? I dont even think those bastards have any money for my graduation, when i want to go into college and get my apprenticeship. No one is fucking hiring either! I cant for the life of me get a fucking part time job to pay for any of this shit, and my parents fucking complain when i sit up in my room, or leave the house, because all i can do, is play video games, and go hangout with friends. My dad tries to compare me to when he was a teenager, but so much shit has change, its like comparing his teen hood, to my 92 year old grandfather's, who was in the middle of a war at my age, it just doesnt work!
Then there is school, school is fucking annoying. Teachers are irritating and boring, the work is generally pretty easy, very poorly explained, and fucking tedious! Then the teachers pile on homework, and its fucking annoying, Sran, I hate Sran! He will give us three projects at once, all due at about the same time. The rest of my classes are easy as fuck though, science is a breeze, i hardly pay attention and havnt finished all the work, but the teacher is super relaxed and doesnt really care, even with that, im getting a B. Then there is math, i pay a little bit of attention, but its all so simple, i tend to over think it, Its so simple, i dont understand why people have difficulty in that class, but again, its just tedious. Social Studies is a little bit more difficult, i actually make a slight effort in that class just because some of it is interesting, the teacher is cool, one of my favorites, he talks really fast though, and its hard to take notes, so ive adapted, and learned to remember certain things he says. P.E is fucking pointless, all we do is play basketball and pingpong mostly, and i hate both of those, as well as my class is full of ball hogs, and really, isnt a class, just a group of people. The rest of my classes were bullshit so i dropped three of them, i dont have a fucking elective, i better get them next year or im going to flip shit.
Hmmmmm, what else is there to rant about..?
I have no idea, im in a confident mood, which makes me happy, when im in a good mood, i tend to be a little more energetic, just more so with energy drinks. My mind is going at full speed like this, and i cant stop it, im constantly, thinking; clearly too, and quickly. As if someone is putting it all in my head for me, its just automatic, when im like this, i tend to be pretty awesome and clever, i react to things quickly, usually when im making a joke, but also when im thinking, ill think of thought out things, become a little prophetic, my intelligence really shows like this i noticed, It makes a little more sense that i have an IQ of 145.
Well, i have no idea what to rant about anymore, Soooooooo.....until next time i guess.
Besides that though, ive been craving adventure, ive been needing to go mountain biking, but first, i need a decent bike. I miss being able to do fun things, go out side and ride around in the woods, be with nature while pushing yourself to do new things, everytime i go, i progress a little more. I still need a fucking bike though, its more then a little annoying how my parents are expecting me to pay for everything like that, a bike, food, games, out door activity stuff, a car, driving classes. Like fuck, what the hell do they expect of me? I dont even think those bastards have any money for my graduation, when i want to go into college and get my apprenticeship. No one is fucking hiring either! I cant for the life of me get a fucking part time job to pay for any of this shit, and my parents fucking complain when i sit up in my room, or leave the house, because all i can do, is play video games, and go hangout with friends. My dad tries to compare me to when he was a teenager, but so much shit has change, its like comparing his teen hood, to my 92 year old grandfather's, who was in the middle of a war at my age, it just doesnt work!
Then there is school, school is fucking annoying. Teachers are irritating and boring, the work is generally pretty easy, very poorly explained, and fucking tedious! Then the teachers pile on homework, and its fucking annoying, Sran, I hate Sran! He will give us three projects at once, all due at about the same time. The rest of my classes are easy as fuck though, science is a breeze, i hardly pay attention and havnt finished all the work, but the teacher is super relaxed and doesnt really care, even with that, im getting a B. Then there is math, i pay a little bit of attention, but its all so simple, i tend to over think it, Its so simple, i dont understand why people have difficulty in that class, but again, its just tedious. Social Studies is a little bit more difficult, i actually make a slight effort in that class just because some of it is interesting, the teacher is cool, one of my favorites, he talks really fast though, and its hard to take notes, so ive adapted, and learned to remember certain things he says. P.E is fucking pointless, all we do is play basketball and pingpong mostly, and i hate both of those, as well as my class is full of ball hogs, and really, isnt a class, just a group of people. The rest of my classes were bullshit so i dropped three of them, i dont have a fucking elective, i better get them next year or im going to flip shit.
Hmmmmm, what else is there to rant about..?
I have no idea, im in a confident mood, which makes me happy, when im in a good mood, i tend to be a little more energetic, just more so with energy drinks. My mind is going at full speed like this, and i cant stop it, im constantly, thinking; clearly too, and quickly. As if someone is putting it all in my head for me, its just automatic, when im like this, i tend to be pretty awesome and clever, i react to things quickly, usually when im making a joke, but also when im thinking, ill think of thought out things, become a little prophetic, my intelligence really shows like this i noticed, It makes a little more sense that i have an IQ of 145.
Well, i have no idea what to rant about anymore, Soooooooo.....until next time i guess.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Doubt
I love Persephone so much, but at times, i feel like i am not worth her time. Sometimes i think she realizes this, that im just going to slow her down and complicate her life. I want to be with her for a long time, but do i really deserve more then just friends, its always been that way, thats how ive always been treated...
I dont have a life really, Persephone is the only interesting thing happening to me at the moment, i dont have my drivers license(thanks to my parents) and im 17, i dont have a job, no one will hire me, I dont play sports or have any commitments. Im not exceptionally talented, im not unique for any sole quality, i do nothing to make me stand out against other people, I am nothing special and i think she is starting to see this, as the godess she is, she could do so much better then me, get someone who could protect her better, someone who could charm her better and make her laugh better, someone who could do more for her. I listen to Atlas, and some of his stories and his experiences, he has done so much more then i have, he has impressed more then i have, he has been more fortunate, and he is far more interesting then I. He is physically better then i am, and my equal mentally. I cannot best him at anything, at best equal him. What do i have to offer? What does Persephone see in me? I dont understand why see chose me, when if she really wanted to, she could have anyone else. I am constantly getting showed up, anything i thought i was good at, i cannot even be considered talented in anymore. I am boring, i have no stories to tell, no experiences to share, all i can boast is i have 400 scars that are mostly small, starting to fade, and not really caused by anything interesting. She says she loves me more then anything, but at times, i think i annoy her, my boring life, my uneventful family. Nothing interesting happens to me, my parents didnt let me do interesting things as a child, i never really played sports, ive never done anything dangerous enough to cause injury, ive never broken a bone or needed stitches, and actually gotten them. I just dont see how i could possible be interesting. I just wish i had more stories, more things to talk about, more experiences. I wish i had more of a life, and its no wonder why Atlas gets so many girls, why so many chicks fall in love with him. Its because he is confident, he is attractive, he has stories and experiences, he has skill from practise. Ive only ever had two girl friends, one was a whore, and the other must be delusional, Ive only ever kissed four girls. Persephone has kissed more girls then i have, and more guys, Atlas has fucked more girls he has never before met at a party then ive met at a party, or made out with. It has been said im cursed for a reason, but even im not that fucking interesting to be cursed. Mt life sucks because its always been so boring, so uninteresting and uneventful. I always try to be positive, i always try to be confident always try to agree with some of the nice things a couple people say now and again. But what is it about me that is attractive or unattractive? Ive done alot of changing in life, and wouldnt even call myself the same person as the child i was growing up ten years ago.
So, what is it about me that Persephone loves so much? Why does she think im so perfect? She is amazing, everything ive ever asked for, but somehow i doubt i can hold on to her, or that i deserve to have her.
Im rambling about something i dont understand, something that ive been proven wrong for several times. I cannot judge myself, by myself. I doubt myself inside, but i dont know.... oh well, life goes on, this doubt will pass, or recede back inside until it resurfaces later.
I dont have a life really, Persephone is the only interesting thing happening to me at the moment, i dont have my drivers license(thanks to my parents) and im 17, i dont have a job, no one will hire me, I dont play sports or have any commitments. Im not exceptionally talented, im not unique for any sole quality, i do nothing to make me stand out against other people, I am nothing special and i think she is starting to see this, as the godess she is, she could do so much better then me, get someone who could protect her better, someone who could charm her better and make her laugh better, someone who could do more for her. I listen to Atlas, and some of his stories and his experiences, he has done so much more then i have, he has impressed more then i have, he has been more fortunate, and he is far more interesting then I. He is physically better then i am, and my equal mentally. I cannot best him at anything, at best equal him. What do i have to offer? What does Persephone see in me? I dont understand why see chose me, when if she really wanted to, she could have anyone else. I am constantly getting showed up, anything i thought i was good at, i cannot even be considered talented in anymore. I am boring, i have no stories to tell, no experiences to share, all i can boast is i have 400 scars that are mostly small, starting to fade, and not really caused by anything interesting. She says she loves me more then anything, but at times, i think i annoy her, my boring life, my uneventful family. Nothing interesting happens to me, my parents didnt let me do interesting things as a child, i never really played sports, ive never done anything dangerous enough to cause injury, ive never broken a bone or needed stitches, and actually gotten them. I just dont see how i could possible be interesting. I just wish i had more stories, more things to talk about, more experiences. I wish i had more of a life, and its no wonder why Atlas gets so many girls, why so many chicks fall in love with him. Its because he is confident, he is attractive, he has stories and experiences, he has skill from practise. Ive only ever had two girl friends, one was a whore, and the other must be delusional, Ive only ever kissed four girls. Persephone has kissed more girls then i have, and more guys, Atlas has fucked more girls he has never before met at a party then ive met at a party, or made out with. It has been said im cursed for a reason, but even im not that fucking interesting to be cursed. Mt life sucks because its always been so boring, so uninteresting and uneventful. I always try to be positive, i always try to be confident always try to agree with some of the nice things a couple people say now and again. But what is it about me that is attractive or unattractive? Ive done alot of changing in life, and wouldnt even call myself the same person as the child i was growing up ten years ago.
So, what is it about me that Persephone loves so much? Why does she think im so perfect? She is amazing, everything ive ever asked for, but somehow i doubt i can hold on to her, or that i deserve to have her.
Im rambling about something i dont understand, something that ive been proven wrong for several times. I cannot judge myself, by myself. I doubt myself inside, but i dont know.... oh well, life goes on, this doubt will pass, or recede back inside until it resurfaces later.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Demons
Out of boredom and sheer need to move around after doing homework for an hour and a half straight, i decided to pick up my sword and play around with it a bit. Slashing and jabbing at a target that wasnt actually there, I felt the fluidity and skill there of something i had never learned. Many people say I have an Old soul, and I do, And seeing as im Celtic blood, and have a family of warriors and soldiers, its likely that Ive once been a Warrior, or more then once. The sword i have didnt feel totally right, being an almost Japanese Katana styled, it felt like i needed something more, more balanced, heavier, shorter, like a machete or a short sword. Even though, i felt the fluidity of the blade so quickly, of killing, of slashing and fighting, every movement was a different attack, every step was another opportunity. I felt unhindered with just clothes on as i fought shadows and ghosts, i felt unprotected but free. I felt some sort of blood memory, how to stand, where to place my hands, how to breathe and move to swing, what time was for when. But more importantly, i felt like i knew how to fight and kill with a sword, even though i never have, and less society falls or zombies become a problem, i probably never will. With that realization, i felt the howling once again inside of me, of the oldest half of my spirt, the ancient side of my soul once again, reluctantly, step back in to the shadows, and ignore its thirst for blood, for violence, and ignore its need to prove itself finally, as something that can hold its own even in this body. Im gaining control over my demon, with the help of Persephone now, its actually making a difference. My aura and energy is calming down, less intimidating, although just as powerful, i feel good things happening, i watch good things happening, dark energy seems to avoid me where ever i am, And good energy fills the void. My life is taking a turn for the better, But my friends, it seems with my good fortune, theirs worsens. Being who i am, sometimes i wish that if i could change that, make my life miserable and pointless again, just to return the fortune to my friends, i wish i could. Atlas is going through some rough times, Hades just got out of the shit storm he was in and seems to be doing better, despite deteriorating health, And of course her life seems to be always nightmareish, something always going on (havnt though of a name). But with that urge for violence silenced, i cant help but sometimes think about sunday night, where i defended my friends but not myself, got punched in the face eight times, im lucky they were puny or they would have broken my nose instead of bruising it. I have to wonder though, why didnt i fight? Why didnt the violent storm of a soul inside me lash out at the chance for release? I feel ashamed almost, i dont feel defeated by them, i feel i have defeated myself. That also brings up the question, Besides Persephone, who is going to read this? Im wasting my breath for now until i can gather more Bloggers for whatever reason. Oh well, thats the way it is, life goes on and i almost couldnt be happier with the way things are right now.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
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