Hahahahaha, i just remembered one of the first things i ever said to Persephone when i met her for the first time at the party. We had been chatting for a bit, and i was in a good mood, and decided the best way to ask the question i was thinking was to just ask it.
"So, i dont feel like thinking of something clever so im going to ask either the worst or best question possible" (me)
"okay, shoot" (her)
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
after a short burst of laughter that stopped her from doing simple things like breathing, or standing up straight she replied with
"No, i do not"
"Oh good, that makes things much easier.......... It wouldve been more difficult otherwise......not impossible, just more difficult"
which brought up another burst of laughter from pretty much everyone listening. I was hardly even paying attention to what i was saying at the time.
Fun times, that night was awesome for many reasons, mostly Persephone though.
I dont really know why i thought of that, its better then the normal depressing crap i say at midnight.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Persephone
Hmmm.......
So, i decided to spend a half-hour reading through Persephone's previous posts on her blog, all of them.
I connect with her words well, as at the same time she was in a depression, so was I. While I forced myself out of it, it seems i helped her out of her own. Thinking deeply about this as i do, i think i realize something, i have another vantage point upon her mind, upon her past. I realized that Persephone must be very grateful for my sudden appearance in her life, much more so then i thought before. Correct me if im wrong mind you, but i now see through her eyes better, why she holds me at such high esteem, and its much the same way, and for the same reason as it is for me.
This puts me in a solemn mood, i realize why some of the things i do bugs her as it does, like put myself down. I feel like i should have fully realized this earlier. All the while, i wish i could hold her closer to me at this moment, just squeeze her. I am thankful for her as well, for her giving me this chance, she is another chance for me to effect her life, and maybe others for the better, leave my mark perhaps, but i do not intend to leave.
Though i am being a fool, i feel like i am disappointing Persephone, if only very slightly, i can still feel it, see it. I have asked her to show her jealousy, so i may not make her jealous anymore, i also asked about the things that make her jealous. The reason being is that i was getting jealous of certain things, and it was annoying her. So, whether she knows this by now or not, i wish to work on both of our flaws at the same time. I will not allow myself to fail her, Not again, i will not give her reason to leave.
It has been two months since we met, and nearly two months until we started going out. Yet it seems the lustre of this new relationship is already growing a little duller, i dont like it. I like how close Her and i still are, physically, we both crave touch, so we are both glued together, inseparable. But, it always filled me with joy when she said something about me in her blog, it was proof that i did something right, and i did it well enough to be exceptional. Lately, there has been very very little about me, which is okay, considering the circumstances, but then the first thing she said, was about something i did that annoyed her. I am failing already, i cannot do something exceptional for her, instead, i am doing the opposite.
.....That, I cannot let linger, i will deal with this immediately.
The last thing she said to me tonight was
"Thank you"
"Youre welcome......but for what"
"Everything"
I didnt quiet know what that meant until i read her blog, until i let my mind clear, my fear of gaining an ego and becoming arrogant that blinds me still, slip away for the time being; and i realized, I do everything i can for her, hoping it would be enough, and it turns out everything i do, is more then everything she needs. I realized she needs me, and needed me as much as i needed her....
Good night...
So, i decided to spend a half-hour reading through Persephone's previous posts on her blog, all of them.
I connect with her words well, as at the same time she was in a depression, so was I. While I forced myself out of it, it seems i helped her out of her own. Thinking deeply about this as i do, i think i realize something, i have another vantage point upon her mind, upon her past. I realized that Persephone must be very grateful for my sudden appearance in her life, much more so then i thought before. Correct me if im wrong mind you, but i now see through her eyes better, why she holds me at such high esteem, and its much the same way, and for the same reason as it is for me.
This puts me in a solemn mood, i realize why some of the things i do bugs her as it does, like put myself down. I feel like i should have fully realized this earlier. All the while, i wish i could hold her closer to me at this moment, just squeeze her. I am thankful for her as well, for her giving me this chance, she is another chance for me to effect her life, and maybe others for the better, leave my mark perhaps, but i do not intend to leave.
Though i am being a fool, i feel like i am disappointing Persephone, if only very slightly, i can still feel it, see it. I have asked her to show her jealousy, so i may not make her jealous anymore, i also asked about the things that make her jealous. The reason being is that i was getting jealous of certain things, and it was annoying her. So, whether she knows this by now or not, i wish to work on both of our flaws at the same time. I will not allow myself to fail her, Not again, i will not give her reason to leave.
It has been two months since we met, and nearly two months until we started going out. Yet it seems the lustre of this new relationship is already growing a little duller, i dont like it. I like how close Her and i still are, physically, we both crave touch, so we are both glued together, inseparable. But, it always filled me with joy when she said something about me in her blog, it was proof that i did something right, and i did it well enough to be exceptional. Lately, there has been very very little about me, which is okay, considering the circumstances, but then the first thing she said, was about something i did that annoyed her. I am failing already, i cannot do something exceptional for her, instead, i am doing the opposite.
.....That, I cannot let linger, i will deal with this immediately.
The last thing she said to me tonight was
"Thank you"
"Youre welcome......but for what"
"Everything"
I didnt quiet know what that meant until i read her blog, until i let my mind clear, my fear of gaining an ego and becoming arrogant that blinds me still, slip away for the time being; and i realized, I do everything i can for her, hoping it would be enough, and it turns out everything i do, is more then everything she needs. I realized she needs me, and needed me as much as i needed her....
Good night...
Monday, 9 April 2012
Fear
I do not fear many things, not as another might consider fear. But that was born because i had nothing to lose, and the only thing that mattered to me was what i had, who i had. Part of what put me in the depression, is i didnt have either. But now i do, I have Persephone and everything is getting better besides one thing, now i have one fear....and that is losing her.
This is probably residue of my past relationship and deep insecurity from constant putdowns throughout my life, didnt realize it still effected me until Persephone. But I get jealous, or envious fairly easily about certain things, and it bugs her, alot, and i can tell. But let me clear the air while its on my mind. I get jealous because all my life ive been shown up, or brought down by others, and eventually, there was nothing to bring me back up until i met Persephone, and the devils that came before her. Being cheated on is not fun, especially not fun when its with two of your friends....and your 25 year old brother, then being blamed for the situation. I dont want to lose her, I dont want someone else coming along and being better for her then me, I dont want the same thing to happen again. More recently then not, im taking confidence that im pretty awesome, and that her and I are pretty perfect together, i can actually say that now that no one is left to shoot me out of the sky. That is born from the rising confidence and self esteem that i get from her, im not kidding when i say she is what makes me amazing, if i truly am. She brings out my happiness and confidence, without her, they would not show very often at all. Im truly afraid that someone else is going to come along this early in our relationship and see just how perfect she really is and try to take her away, Ill fight as hard as i can, and walk through hell and heaven to keep her at my side, but i dont want that to happen, i dont want that temptation for someone else, thats how it all started the last time. I dont want someone to come along that does something she likes that i cannot, and make her decide she does not like how i cannot do something like that.
Now, i know that is all stupid, it is all very pointless because i trust Persephone more then enough to know that, that will not happen. But my heart wont take the chance, it leaps every time there is a possibility and i cannot control it, although im gaining control very quickly. But, she does not like the jealousy, the slight possessiveness, and although she agrees with me that jealousy in moderation can be a good thing because it proves that the other is afraid to lose you, it still annoys her. Nor does she like my lack of self gratitude as one might call it, yet the way my life has played out, ive been forced to be humble, too humble apparently. That is dwindling with her aid but i cannot help but be annoyed that it bugs her, not at her annoyance, but at my failure.
She deserves to have someone that will treat her perfectly, someone that is perfect for her. These two things about myself can change, but for now, they are there, and I have failed to give her what she totally deserves. Now, I understand that im being way too hard on myself. But i cannot help but fear it, knowing the way my life has always played out, those flaws will lead to the realization of my worst nightmare.
I dunno, Im strange, Persephone is perfect, but i also dont know how to complain. I guess it would help if she showed she cares in the same way i do, that she fears losing me just as much as i fear losing her. If she showed she was a little jealous at times, or if she showed concern for opportunities that if i was someone else, i could take. Its out of concern that i ask her to be careful when she goes out where i cannot keep an eye on her, or someone that i know and trust will keep an eye on her, i do not want her to get hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, but that is not jealousy. There is also times when she mentions someone that would not compete with me for her, could not, and will not, yet i must compare myself to them in the worst of ways. It is infuriating not only for her, but for me as well.
I know she is going to read this, And i must ask her if she realizes how hard this is for me to deal with? I am fighting a demon within myself, winning, but only because she helps immensely. Though it tries her patience, I ask her to never stop helping me, or i will surely fail as she is my only source of hope in this world anymore, yet it gives me enough strength that i need nothing else.
Beyond me, there are many other things worrying me at the moment. For one, Persephone's idiot doctor, and how Persephone cannot tell the doctor anything. The only reason why it worries me is because it is a problem that causes her pain and worry, stress and anxiety. And i cannot do anything to help at all, i have no idea what shes going through and it puts me in a clueless position. At that point i envy anyone who can do what i cannot, and cheer her up in those circumstances, because as her boyfriend, as the one she loves and who loves her back, i should always be able to do something for her when she needs it, if i cannot do that, then i feel useless, unneeded, and at times, unwanted, though that may not be the case. Second, my dumb ass friends are making mistakes upon mistakes (not just you Atlas) and many of them are leaving me. Third, I feel like i have no life beyond Persephone, which isnt bad when i get to see her often, but when im not, i feel useless and alone, unwanted. Even my warhammer that i do when i have nothing else is bad and inexperienced. Fourth, school worries me, though at the moment nothing is wrong.
I guess all of my worries and insecurities come up from how my social life went the entire time i was growing up, harsh to be frank, but not as bad as it couldve been, then again, not as good as most. But I have dreamed of becoming something extraordinary, something people will look up to, even if only slightly. I have dreamed of becoming respected by people, which is something i rarely get. I have dreamed of being remembered for something important, even if only to few. I have always wanted to make something of myself. This is difficult considering that i have no talents really, i have no traits really that stand out as being something extraordinary. As well as my chosen career that makes the most sense to me, is Carpentry, hardly something to be remembered for. I have never been wanted, or respected, never been needed or chosen first, never been noticed or complimented, Until now with Persephone of course. But i feel that if i fell off the planet now, or i was never born, my disappearance would not effect many people, besides Persephone, in fact, some may benefit from it.
That is all stupidity though. I am here and thats what matters, i have someone who loves me and who i love back with all my heart. I will do everything i can to make sure it stays that way, for the rest of our lives and beyond, if possible....then again, even if it wasnt, not like thats stopped me before.
But i cant help but search, what is my talent? What is my natural skill? Everyone has something. Persephone her swimming among others, Atlas just sports in general, the list goes on, but what do I have? What can i do that makes me stand out? Maybe with Persephone's help i will find something, because it is important to me i do.
But know this, Persephone, I fear nothing more then losing you, my dreams every night are nightmares of that. That is why i cant stand to lose you, to let there be a chance to lose you like last time. And i doubt myself because i always see others doing something well, something they can do exceptionally, yet i have nothing to match it. Pride is injured every time, pride that should not exist, and i have no idea where it is from. But at the same time, i know im better then many for what i can do, what i have done, though that makes me sound arrogant, its sometimes true. But know this as well, now that you have helped boost my spirits, anyone that tries to take me down will fail, im tired of people like that. These annoyances are one in the same problem, but they will soon disappear, Just dont leave if they momentarily resurface. I am close to getting used to you, and learning to trust your word when you encourage me, i will always be a little jealous, that is my nature, but it is out of fear, and love.
I hope my honesty means something..
This is probably residue of my past relationship and deep insecurity from constant putdowns throughout my life, didnt realize it still effected me until Persephone. But I get jealous, or envious fairly easily about certain things, and it bugs her, alot, and i can tell. But let me clear the air while its on my mind. I get jealous because all my life ive been shown up, or brought down by others, and eventually, there was nothing to bring me back up until i met Persephone, and the devils that came before her. Being cheated on is not fun, especially not fun when its with two of your friends....and your 25 year old brother, then being blamed for the situation. I dont want to lose her, I dont want someone else coming along and being better for her then me, I dont want the same thing to happen again. More recently then not, im taking confidence that im pretty awesome, and that her and I are pretty perfect together, i can actually say that now that no one is left to shoot me out of the sky. That is born from the rising confidence and self esteem that i get from her, im not kidding when i say she is what makes me amazing, if i truly am. She brings out my happiness and confidence, without her, they would not show very often at all. Im truly afraid that someone else is going to come along this early in our relationship and see just how perfect she really is and try to take her away, Ill fight as hard as i can, and walk through hell and heaven to keep her at my side, but i dont want that to happen, i dont want that temptation for someone else, thats how it all started the last time. I dont want someone to come along that does something she likes that i cannot, and make her decide she does not like how i cannot do something like that.
Now, i know that is all stupid, it is all very pointless because i trust Persephone more then enough to know that, that will not happen. But my heart wont take the chance, it leaps every time there is a possibility and i cannot control it, although im gaining control very quickly. But, she does not like the jealousy, the slight possessiveness, and although she agrees with me that jealousy in moderation can be a good thing because it proves that the other is afraid to lose you, it still annoys her. Nor does she like my lack of self gratitude as one might call it, yet the way my life has played out, ive been forced to be humble, too humble apparently. That is dwindling with her aid but i cannot help but be annoyed that it bugs her, not at her annoyance, but at my failure.
She deserves to have someone that will treat her perfectly, someone that is perfect for her. These two things about myself can change, but for now, they are there, and I have failed to give her what she totally deserves. Now, I understand that im being way too hard on myself. But i cannot help but fear it, knowing the way my life has always played out, those flaws will lead to the realization of my worst nightmare.
I dunno, Im strange, Persephone is perfect, but i also dont know how to complain. I guess it would help if she showed she cares in the same way i do, that she fears losing me just as much as i fear losing her. If she showed she was a little jealous at times, or if she showed concern for opportunities that if i was someone else, i could take. Its out of concern that i ask her to be careful when she goes out where i cannot keep an eye on her, or someone that i know and trust will keep an eye on her, i do not want her to get hurt, physically, emotionally, mentally, but that is not jealousy. There is also times when she mentions someone that would not compete with me for her, could not, and will not, yet i must compare myself to them in the worst of ways. It is infuriating not only for her, but for me as well.
I know she is going to read this, And i must ask her if she realizes how hard this is for me to deal with? I am fighting a demon within myself, winning, but only because she helps immensely. Though it tries her patience, I ask her to never stop helping me, or i will surely fail as she is my only source of hope in this world anymore, yet it gives me enough strength that i need nothing else.
Beyond me, there are many other things worrying me at the moment. For one, Persephone's idiot doctor, and how Persephone cannot tell the doctor anything. The only reason why it worries me is because it is a problem that causes her pain and worry, stress and anxiety. And i cannot do anything to help at all, i have no idea what shes going through and it puts me in a clueless position. At that point i envy anyone who can do what i cannot, and cheer her up in those circumstances, because as her boyfriend, as the one she loves and who loves her back, i should always be able to do something for her when she needs it, if i cannot do that, then i feel useless, unneeded, and at times, unwanted, though that may not be the case. Second, my dumb ass friends are making mistakes upon mistakes (not just you Atlas) and many of them are leaving me. Third, I feel like i have no life beyond Persephone, which isnt bad when i get to see her often, but when im not, i feel useless and alone, unwanted. Even my warhammer that i do when i have nothing else is bad and inexperienced. Fourth, school worries me, though at the moment nothing is wrong.
I guess all of my worries and insecurities come up from how my social life went the entire time i was growing up, harsh to be frank, but not as bad as it couldve been, then again, not as good as most. But I have dreamed of becoming something extraordinary, something people will look up to, even if only slightly. I have dreamed of becoming respected by people, which is something i rarely get. I have dreamed of being remembered for something important, even if only to few. I have always wanted to make something of myself. This is difficult considering that i have no talents really, i have no traits really that stand out as being something extraordinary. As well as my chosen career that makes the most sense to me, is Carpentry, hardly something to be remembered for. I have never been wanted, or respected, never been needed or chosen first, never been noticed or complimented, Until now with Persephone of course. But i feel that if i fell off the planet now, or i was never born, my disappearance would not effect many people, besides Persephone, in fact, some may benefit from it.
That is all stupidity though. I am here and thats what matters, i have someone who loves me and who i love back with all my heart. I will do everything i can to make sure it stays that way, for the rest of our lives and beyond, if possible....then again, even if it wasnt, not like thats stopped me before.
But i cant help but search, what is my talent? What is my natural skill? Everyone has something. Persephone her swimming among others, Atlas just sports in general, the list goes on, but what do I have? What can i do that makes me stand out? Maybe with Persephone's help i will find something, because it is important to me i do.
But know this, Persephone, I fear nothing more then losing you, my dreams every night are nightmares of that. That is why i cant stand to lose you, to let there be a chance to lose you like last time. And i doubt myself because i always see others doing something well, something they can do exceptionally, yet i have nothing to match it. Pride is injured every time, pride that should not exist, and i have no idea where it is from. But at the same time, i know im better then many for what i can do, what i have done, though that makes me sound arrogant, its sometimes true. But know this as well, now that you have helped boost my spirits, anyone that tries to take me down will fail, im tired of people like that. These annoyances are one in the same problem, but they will soon disappear, Just dont leave if they momentarily resurface. I am close to getting used to you, and learning to trust your word when you encourage me, i will always be a little jealous, that is my nature, but it is out of fear, and love.
I hope my honesty means something..
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